Hey! im back.. yeh.. so anyways.. Tonight im gunna go see uptown girls with Kristine and maybe Erin if she can come. Thats gunna be lotza fuN! :). And i started singing.. bye bye miss american pie.. HAHAHA! that song is in my head! and aww it reminds me of soleil and the ex when we were singing it! lol! miss you!!! hehehe. grr im having a rough time and i didnt make this little blogy thing to pout or anything like that. it was just a place to relieve stress.. so im sorry if your reading this and get mad at me for being a stupid person and stuff.. but i just had to write this... My parents are driving me fucking insane!! honestly i cant do this! i fucking cant! we fight over the smallest things.. nothing matters anymore! AT ALL! yesterday i almost fell apart my parents were fighting and i couldnt handle it so i went and locked myself in my bathroom and was pacing back and forth telling myself i can do this. but i cant.. Everytime we are in the same room someone is fighting, crying or soemthing! anything! i just want it to stop! and i feel so stupid cuz then i talk to some friends cuz im confused and sad and so fucking scared i dont know what to do anymore, and then everbodys just like yeh.. you need help!! ill help you! bla bla bla.. but the only thing they suggest is going to some fucking shelter or talk to somebody.. yeh.. i came to you to have somebody to talk to!! nobody takes away the pain, the tears, the screams, the scars. Nobody takes me away from this.  They say they can all make it go away but if they really did care they could show up at my door and take me away!! drive me far far far away from here. Im sick of looking back!! I dont want to talk about my past and get pity on me and shit like that.. but im so sick of people juding me.. Im not going to tell you about my problems or anything.. but think of it this way.. if you think im a smart, spoiled, barbie, with a happy perfect fucking life.. Your so fucking wrong it makes me sick!! It really does!! If you only knew.... Id pay all the money in the world just for you to see what i saw everyday, just to feel what i feel every minute im alive.. just anything!! id do it all just to make you understand, its all an act, im an act, im a joke, my lifes a joke. Ok im done with my freaking out.. for now. :s... uhm.. well yeah.. Im really looking forward to tonight.. im actually gunna be able to go out and stop thinking about things.. im actually going to be able to be happy and smile and it wont be an act.  It'll be real becasue being with my friends happens to be the only time i ever feel happy now.. and its not even with some of my guy frineds. cuz either they are telling me they like me and hearts are being broken, or telling me they are mad at me.. or bla bla bla.. the lies never end!!! i dont know what to do.. maybe james was right.. maybe the only reason im friends with all these guys is becasue they all think im easy becasue i USED to date a lot.. which is stupid cuz u fuckng morons ive dated guys that are known for getting ever fucking girl they have wanted and getting what they want from me.. i mean honestly i fucking dated slade.. the one guy who told himself over and over again he could get me to loosen up and shit. and i wouldnt even let him kiss me. nobody has... and you know what.. slade, if your fucking telling people shit happened between us well good for you, fucking make a shitty ass rep for yourself becasue i know how to fucking take care of myself, hold my head high and not let your fucking bullshit bring me down! so save it! jsut fucking stop it!
phew, now that i got all of that out of me i feel happy once again :p.. hahaha. anyways yeh. Again thanks for reading i love you all so much!
Love Your Secret Lover,
Ash babe.