hearts are toys
feelings are flaws
our faults are
letting in too easy
last time
dont promise
only crash n' burn
not your toy
don't wind me up
goods only fall
hearts only break
minds only stop
the love is dead
razor still cutting
im still running
running from you
your still walking
walking away
holdin' my hands
lovin' my heart
kissin my tears
gone
gone
gone
wantin ya to chase me
wantin ya to catch me
u still sittin back
u still watching me
watchin me walk away
so many times
u coulda had me back
neva gave me time
neva let me heal
left me standin'
didnt whipe away tears
let me fall
come crashin down
skid marks
screeches
its all to real
u cant save me now
too far out
sea covers my tracks
im gone
ur still standin' still
im not commin' back
hold your breath
ur not worth me
no more, no more.
thats some jibberish that just lingered out of my finger tips haha i havent read it and i dont want to so i hope it makes sense for whoever reads this crap.
Anyways nothing is really new with me. ha, thats a lie. everythings new with me. but i dont feel like writting about it. hahaha. i've been getting to know soemone i have wanted to get to know for a really long time and im so happy :D. I don't think he wants anything to happen between us and i can deal with that... the feelings wont go away, they never have and its been goin on 3 years now.. creepy.. scary how i still manage to not let go :p. Why do i hold onto so many things...??? Whateva!! life is good. no no.. life is great!!
TOMORROW IS PROVINCIALS!! and im scared shitless!!!! its not even funny!! im so nervous yet so excited to be with all those awesome people all day!! hahaha its going to be amazing!! i cant wait.. i leave at 6:00am and i wont be home till around 9:00pm!!!!! hahahahhaa... my parents are comming too and me and jenny are driving back with my parents.. we will be so hyper!!! hahaha.. :D. i hope i do okay and even if i dont.. it was all worth it!!!! :D:D:D:D!!! hahaha
Everyone seems so pissy lately. like fuk. honestly i swear so many of my friends have forgotten i even fucking exsist cuz what i blow em off once or twice. like fuck!! as if they have never done that to me!! i duno.. i feel so alone.. none of my friends from school hardly ever talk to me anymore.. they are fighting with eachother or just fukin who knows. but i hate it! and fuck. today.. i dont know what was going on.. but erin seemed mad at me all fucking day. like WTF DID I DO?!!!!! or didnt do?? jenn asked me to go out to lunch today so i went of course and i remebered erin said she didnt have drivers ed today eh and me and jenn were already outside on our way to the mall and i was liek SHIT!! i gotta go ask erin if she wants to come and i run inside looking for her in the commons and i was gunna go try and wakl around the school and i was like shes probably with someone else and its already been 10min so we should go so we do. and later on i see her in the bathroom and shes all mad like "didnt u remeber i didnt have drivers ed today" and supposly i looked right at her and left?? WTF!! IF I LOOKED RIGHT FUCKING AT HER I WOULDA FUCKING SAID SOMETHING!! I DIDNT FUCKIGN SEE HER!! and wtf!! me remeber? yeah i did remeber but the way she said it, it was almost liek she expects me to remeber her fucking schedule!!! like geezus!! thats not fuckign fair!! IM NOT PERFECT!
Nobody wants to get along.. all anybody wants to do anymore is be mopy mopy sad. fucking get over it. ur a kid. shit happens. move the fuck on. i screw up. im a screw up... SO WHAT!!! im 16!!! I DONT CARE!!!!!!! ill grow up. but not yet. nope. not now. so stop treating me liek this. Whatever.. people. honestly. your still a kid but u dont need to act like theres other kids in the sandbox.. dont throw sand.. ur just breakin hearts. (this is not about a guy its about my freinds..)
I just dont understand how people can hurt people and think it doesnt matter. How they can sit there and make u guess..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE!!! DID U FORGET TO SMILE???? i just want to go and hug everyone and make everyone, but i cant and everyone expects me to... dont say its not true. It is. Everyone thinks im happy 24/7 and i keep wanting to escape and run back to your house where i can just fall into your arms and cry. Let everything loose. Remeber when you called me and you told me you loved me? That still runs through my head all the time. You were my best friend... and you walked out of my life just cuz' i couldnt be the girl u wanted me to be.
People keep comming to me for relationship advice/crushes/w/e u want to call them.. but you know what.. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! i mean of course i will love to help and i will try me best but mostly i listen... why would you ask the one girl whose best trait is breaking peoples hearts? I've never hung onto any boyfriend for more than three weeks.. its all a joke. ur right, i wont know what love is, becasue i wont let anyone love me, and when i do let them come close, i freak myself out and run baby run!!! i run for my life i run to save my heart. then i regret being an idiot and here i am suffocating in my tears of broken hearts.
I need out.
Love Secret Lover,
Ashlyn