When i get confused, sad, w/e im hurting i go out buy a ton of choclate, run as fast as i can, blast music, write songs, just cry so much that it makes my eyes bleed, no joke. I work out. I dance. I scream. I do anything that just puts me into more pain, and when i can no longer take it i just lay on my bed, starring into my ceiling and cry. Just take it all away from me. I hate this. I don't understand what i do that makes my life come crashing in on me at all angles.
One minute my friends are happy, we are all happy. Its real. And then BOOM out of nowhere, you dont expect it, but pain just comes and attacks you. It attaches itself to you and your left out in the cold all alone.. I once heard a line from a song saying its funny how u miss a party and ur firends have gone and forgotten ur name or something like that. Anyways im not really sure how it goes and stuff but its something like that.. and it really got me thinking, it has had me thinking for awhile now. Its true. I feel like it. I feel like i blow my firends off once or i dont feel like doing something or talking about something or anything and BOOM im an outsider.. I feel so different, i feel so un-wanted.. i feel forgotten. But maybe i was just never there to begin with! well whatever the hell it is, i sure dont know!! But it's how i feel lately. Iv'e started hanging out with some friends i havent hung out with in a really long time.. some people i wanted to leave behind in my past.. But now that they are back i realize yeah they let me go when i wanted to even though i wanted them to chase me and catch me.. they are the people who know all my flaws, they know the real me. They know all about me. The good and the bad. I've never been anything but real to them and in return i feel they gave me the same...
Anyways yeah so im having a little trouble in that department. But you know what? I will deal. becasue being alone lets you save yourself. People wont always be there for you, friends can't always be there for you. So maybe life is easier without friends. fuk! i jsut don't know anymore. And im sure some of my friends are goign to click on this thingy and read this and be like Fuk yeah i sure mean a lot to you and bla bla bla and bitch and moan and whatever else they want to do. And normally i would be afraid to have my friends say stuff liek that to me, i would be afraid to have my friends read all this and stuff. But not anymore. I've gotten to the point where i dont think i have to hide anymore. If you really are my friend then you will read this and you'll understand how i feel. How i feel like a part of my life is missing and has always been and they will take me under their wing and help me find my life that i lost. Because soemwhere along the way we all lost our ways and just geez. i dont know!
I havent been in a relationship for what 8 + months now... i think thats what it is.. yeah tahts it. I don't even feel the need to be with someone, i don't feel the want to want someone to want me. Yeah, of course it would be nice to have what lovers in love have.. yeah. it really would. The hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, eye staring, the butterflies, all of it. The being together and knowing what eachother was thinking, just feeling liek you had the best conversation in the world and not even having to open either of your mouths. Yeah, thats definitely somethign that would be nice to want. But it's not what i want and nobody understands that!!! All i want is a best friend that i can care about and who will eventually care about me and later on get into a serious relationship becasue this time round im not messing up! i want it to last forever, i dont want another one night stand or in my life (3 week stand) I just dont want it. I want something real. But im willing to wait for it. Right now, i just need a friend. If you can't understand that then your not trying to help me, which is cool. whatever. have fun with that.
Geez, this is really long and i cant write anymore. I just need to escape, someone please just come here take me away. Take me back home. The only place i've ever been able to call home and felt safe. I just want to go home! It's all i want! please!! Just let me go home!
Love Your Broken Teared Secret Admirer,
Ashlyn.
Anyways yeah so im having a little trouble in that department. But you know what? I will deal. becasue being alone lets you save yourself. People wont always be there for you, friends can't always be there for you. So maybe life is easier without friends. fuk! i jsut don't know anymore. And im sure some of my friends are goign to click on this thingy and read this and be like Fuk yeah i sure mean a lot to you and bla bla bla and bitch and moan and whatever else they want to do. And normally i would be afraid to have my friends say stuff liek that to me, i would be afraid to have my friends read all this and stuff. But not anymore. I've gotten to the point where i dont think i have to hide anymore. If you really are my friend then you will read this and you'll understand how i feel. How i feel like a part of my life is missing and has always been and they will take me under their wing and help me find my life that i lost. Because soemwhere along the way we all lost our ways and just geez. i dont know!
I havent been in a relationship for what 8 + months now... i think thats what it is.. yeah tahts it. I don't even feel the need to be with someone, i don't feel the want to want someone to want me. Yeah, of course it would be nice to have what lovers in love have.. yeah. it really would. The hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, eye staring, the butterflies, all of it. The being together and knowing what eachother was thinking, just feeling liek you had the best conversation in the world and not even having to open either of your mouths. Yeah, thats definitely somethign that would be nice to want. But it's not what i want and nobody understands that!!! All i want is a best friend that i can care about and who will eventually care about me and later on get into a serious relationship becasue this time round im not messing up! i want it to last forever, i dont want another one night stand or in my life (3 week stand) I just dont want it. I want something real. But im willing to wait for it. Right now, i just need a friend. If you can't understand that then your not trying to help me, which is cool. whatever. have fun with that.
Geez, this is really long and i cant write anymore. I just need to escape, someone please just come here take me away. Take me back home. The only place i've ever been able to call home and felt safe. I just want to go home! It's all i want! please!! Just let me go home!
Love Your Broken Teared Secret Admirer,
Ashlyn.